Tori Kelly- Dear No One: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njmCUJ94lUM
January 18th, 2014-11:00 pm
Embarrassed. No, humiliated. Again. Same story, different cast. It took me over a week later to complete this entry (The first part is what held me up but you will see why after you’ve read it). I’ve been staying away from all forms of social media to reflect and not expose myself to things that will make me feel worse.Here we go.
So it’s the New Year. I thought that having a little get together with some of my closest friends would be a good way start 2014. I also thought it would be a great opportunity to separate the men from the boys as far as love interests go. I’ve decided that 2014 would be the year when I wouldn’t let guys float in the gray area which allowed them to enter and exit my life like a revolving door. If there is one thing that drives me crazy, it is INCONSISTENCY. Either way, be CONSISTENTLY AWESOME or CONSISTENTLY AWFUL. I like knowing what or not to expect when it comes to men. I hate the “blind side”, which has happened very often in my love life (Is it still a “blind side” if it happens repeatedly but with different people?). Besides, if they can’t make it past my Supreme Court of Dating aka my friends, there is absolutely no hope for us.
My friends are the most fun, least judgmental, gregarious people I know. Anyways, back to what happened.
So I invited a few people and I think honestly I knew which guys wouldn’t show up. With matters of the heart, in the past 6 months I’ve started to give myself a “hard stop”. A “hard stop” for me is a date or an event to which I invite a love interest (or interests). If they do not show up, then that is the end of that “relationship” for me, whether they know/like it or not. So when (let’s just call him “Mr. Limitless” with child because of how I described him my the last post) Mr. Limitless sent me a text to say he would join us, I was nervous but excited. The last time we hung out, two of my friends said that he was their “favorite situation” of mine (let’s overlook the fact that my friends have begun calling my dealings with the opposite sex “situations” and not “relationships”). They got a very “good vibe” from him and told me to overlook the fact that he had a son (I wasn’t judging him for being a dad. I was more so thinking about “baby mama” drama and possible, unknown reasons as to why he was divorced at age 32. Valid concerns, right?).
They said it was about time that I had someone “mature”. They loved how he came after me that night and how attentive he was. I was pretty intoxicated so,apparently, I missed all of that stuff. I am glad they got to know him a little and shared that information. When I was with him, we didn’t do much talking (a.k.a we spent the majority of the night making out which I NEVER, NEVER, EVER do in public). I blame Jason. He has been the catalyst to many drunken, crazy nights. But again, let’s get back to the events of Saturday, January 18th.
We picked out a nice spot for our group right as he texts me that he is walking in. Again, I am nervous but a little excited too. But he made a point to say he was coming and he actually showed up! Yes, this may seem like small potatoes to most girls but by the end of this entry you will see why that to me (pathetically) is a “big” gesture. Mr. Limitless and I spoke about our last meeting over the Thanksgiving holiday. We both vocalized that we NEVER make out in public and it was out of character for us. Then we laughed about it. Right then, I felt that inviting him was a good idea. Prior to that night, my feelings for him were lukewarm. I may or may not have wanted one of the other guys to show up. But now I had a chance to get to know him. I liked what I heard so far. The drinks were flowing and then we decided to dance. We were having fun!!!
We left the dance floor to find his friend and make sure he was alright. We finally found him in another room. Out of nowhere, some girl came over quickly. She hugged him and then walked away just as quickly. I didn’t think much of it because he came here to hang out with me, right? I mean, we had been together all night which if anyone was watching us, would notice. It would mean something to them…right? I guess it meant something to me. So Mr. Limitless, his friend, and I started walking back to where my friends were seated. Or so I thought. When I got there, I realized that I was alone. I turned and saw Mr. Limitless and his friend speaking. Again, I thought they would come over eventually so I waited. A few minutes later, Mr. Limitless’ friend came over and started grabbing their coats. I asked“Where did he go? Should we go find him”? His friend reluctantly shrugged his shoulders which made me feel uneasy so I walked ahead of him to see what was going on. There was Mr. Limitless waiting for him. Just as we reached him, the same girl who hugged him earlier approached him. I made eye contact with Mr. Limitless as I was just a few steps from him. The other girl approached him before I did, grabbed him away, and led him off to a few feet from me. I stood there dumbfounded. She literally grabbed him away after seeing me with him the entire night. Yes, you did read that last sentence correctly. She grabbed him away right in front of me who had been with him the entire night. Guess what? Mr. Limitless looked at me, looked at her, and then went with her. I stood there with his friend, bewildered as to what just happened. I was frozen, unable to move while I watched what was going on. Less than 30 seconds later, they reached a spot, and then they started making out (remember when he said he NEVER did that in public just 30 minutes earlier?). She, no, he was kissing her right in front of me. Side note: As a woman, I NEVER would do that to another woman. It is not only wrong and rude but it makes you look EXTRA DESPERATE.
I try to treat people with respect and it just felt like an evil thing to do. Neither of them cared. He could’ve done it another night.Clearly she has some qualities I don’t have that he might like. If a guy I was interested in could do that to another woman, I wouldn’t think that guy and I had much of a future either. If he can do it without remorse, clearly he could just as easily do it to me. But the blame isn’t all hers. It is mostly Mr. Limitless. I turned to his friend who looked apologetic and told him to tell Mr. Limitless to have a good night.
The walk back to where my friends were seemed like the longest ever. I felt dizzy. I felt sick. I told them what happened and said I wanted to leave. On the way out, all of us saw them making out. One friend asked if she should give him the finger. I refused. Why? What could you possibly say to a 32 year old divorced single father to a 3 year old who does things like that? The behavior he exhibited that night might have something to do with why he was divorced at his age (aka not giving zero fucks about anyone’s feelings but his own). My friends reassured me that I was hotter than him. That may be true and I love them for that but it didn’t make me feel better at that moment. My feelings were bigger than the incident, than that moment. I stood and watched them for a few seconds. Why did I do something like that? Am I a masochist? I did for so many reasons coupled with more questions. Why did I invite him when I was lukewarm about him in the first place? I don’t care if he makes out with someone (when I am not there/when he doesn’t come to meet me) because I only invited him to get to know him but it hurt. The way he did it/it happened hurt. He didn’t even have the common decency as a 32 YEAR OLD “MATURE” FATHER TO A 3 YEAR OLD to say he was there to hang out with me (like he said before) and tell the girl he couldn’t hang that night. He could’ve met up with her on another night and did whatever he wanted. But he didn’t do that. He did it right in front of me. He humiliated me right in front of all of my friends. With no remorse whatsoever. I stood there and watched because I wanted to remember what I promised myself for 2014. I promised myself that in 2014 I wouldn’t be the girl who always feels like she isn’t good enough because of the guys I give a chance to. I promised this year was the year for me to really put myself out there. No more self sabotage because, even though I am scared with good reason, I wanted to find a real relationship. No matter how long it takes. I watched to hold on to that horrific feeling just long enough that so I could tap back into it whenever I felt like putting myself out there again. That night I just broke. I was beyond words. We left and that was the longest cab ride home. I NEVER cry (except for those few days every month when anything makes me cry—Mr.Limitless had PERFECT TIMING if you understand what I am saying). When I got home, I cried until I got a migraine. I cried until I got a nosebleed. I cried until I fell asleep. I know what you are thinking now? Lorpu, seriously? I’ve had worse happen to me and it doesn’t warrant that response. But I wasn’t only upset about this incident. This isn’t the first time I’ve been humiliated in front of friends. I honestly think this response was the unavoidable result of holding back tears through numerous incidents that span a few years. I cried because I’m 28. I cried because I realized that since I started dating at age 20, this is all that it has been. From one bad situation to the next. And now I’m just tired. For a long time, I felt that if I had one instance from which I could extract good memories, it would prove that I can and deserve a great relationship. Holding on to that, I could press on. But I can’t do that because I’ve never had that. I am not exaggerating either. I am just exhausted. Mr.Limitless reminded me yet AGAIN why I don’t date. I watched him and his lady friend because I wanted that feeling to sink in. The pain. The humiliation. So I wouldn’t forget and be stupid enough to try to put myself out there again. I promised myself, starting this year, that I’d never feel like this again. But here I am and I am done.
It may seems irrational to everyone else (OK, mostly other girls) when you tell them you’re not dating at the moment especially when most are out there looking for the “one”. This is where outsiders or dispensers of unsolicited advice must respect our difference as victims of violence. Logically, why would I want to when since I started dating at age 20 I’ve been lied to, raped, disappointed, embarrassed beyond belief in front of large crowds of people, deserted, berated, mislead, written about in a song-all without provocation? For so long I felt broken, used, forgotten, unappreciated, discarded. I’ve been told I am not “girlfriend material” 7 times because of my race. Even if I wanted to talk to someone about how I feel, I still can’t explain what this feels like. So I just keep to myself. Instead I don’t see friends, go out, and stay off all social media until I can come out without bringing attention to myself.
By that time, I go back to a skill I’ve perfected over the past 9 years: hiding how I am constantly feeling with laughter, good deeds, and occasional binge drinking.
People try to make me feel better calling each guy an ass hole, tell me to online date, etc. It doesn’t work anymore. Seriously, has EVERY guy been an asshole for the past 8 years? At this point, I feel like the asshole. I’m not an overly emotional person. I utilize logic whenever I feel like I am getting too emotional about something and it helps me get over it. I know that some people don’t get married or have kids. Those have always been things I, at first, didn’t want and then very rationally ONLY want with the RIGHT person. I never go out SEEKING it because I’ve seen with other girls how that can be a recipe for failure and disappointment. But I can’t play all of those “dating” games. Online dating was a total disaster and I will never do so again. I’m tired of being judged based on the color of my skin instead of the content of my character. How about old-fashioned “man meets girl, man asks girl out on a date, we get to know each other, we introduce each other to the important people in their lives, color isn’t an issue for him, he vocalizes FIRST that he wants to be in a committed, public relationship, we date, have fun, do normal couple things like go to games, go on trips, and the relationship goes in whatever direction we BOTH decide we want it to go and at our OWN PACE ? Read this list of “10 Old Fashioned Dating Habits We Should Make Cool Again”: http://thoughtcatalog.com/kate-bailey/2013/12/10-old-fashioned-dating-habits-we-should-make-cool-again/
Yes, I feel like my past is probably important to disclose at some point but normal dating rules pretty much tell women to pretend to be someone they aren’t and chameleon, act, and react to things guy do just so they won’t think “you’re crazy”. Don’t tell him you like him because he will think you’re setting a pregnancy trap and crazy. When he calls, you must refuse the first few times and say you have plans even if you don’t and you like him or else you look crazy. If women who aren’t victims of violence have to follow all of these rules just to get and keep a guy interested, I have no chance. So you can just imagine why the hell I would NEVER want to disclose.
You can’t tell me its timing. So what you are saying is that in the past EIGHT YEARS, my TIMING has been off the entire time? Oh no, it’s their AGE. When they get older they will SETTLE down. Then explain to me why in the past 2 years, the 6 guys that have dealt the biggest blows to me have been age 32 whilst I have numerous guy friends that are 25-27 getting engaged.
People who really know me know I’ve never been desperate or had my head in the clouds about dating, love, etc. Then they tell me to pray. I am sorry but I am not sure I even believe in God anymore. I certainly don’t feel like going to church because I don’t feel like it is something I should be doing if I really don’t want to. Maybe this is God’s will. Maybe God is telling me that I shouldn’t be dating at all and I won’t get married. After almost 9 years of crap, I am ready to listen. Maybe there are other things in life that I am called to do like my advocacy work which makes me so much happier than anyone or anything has ever made me. Even when I did pray about it, change my behaviors, etc, nothing changes or it gets worse. You must remember that this blog is for everyone but predominately for survivors of dating violence who cam empathize with my posts. I honestly don’t know how to explain or talk to people about it which is why having this blog is important to me. It provides a place for me to get it out so that I am not holding it in, suffocating in silence. With this blog, I can write about how I am feeling without worrying about being judged by people (OK, mainly possible suitors) who don’t fully understand what life is like for a survivor. The don’t understand that, for the most part, survivors have a greater capacity for love. We sometimes make better partners. The general consensus of society that if you’ve been through anything in life (which everyone has so it should just be called living right?) you must be damaged beyond repair. In my life, the most hateful people are those who have absolutely no reason to be. In fact they do it for fun because no one has ever held them responsible for their behavior. NO CONSEQUENCES=BAD PEOPLE. Besides, life could be always be worse.
Girlfriends talk about baby names and I have nothing to add. They talk about princess vs. pear shaped diamonds. They know what colors they want for their weddings to match the bridesmaids’ dresses. I have no idea what they are talking about. I’ve always tried not to think about those things unless I have someone I want to do them with. Now I feel like that day might never come. I haven’t believed in a fairy tale ever since I can remember and can’t say if I ever did. I believe resiliency is the plight of women.
On nights like these, I think about him. Him? Yes, the “One that Got Away”, I guess. Let’s call him Mr. NJ-to-NC-to-CA.
Here is a brief summary of that story: During undergrad from 2004-2005, we met and worked at a big “Dave and Buster’s” type restaurant together. I was (and probably still am) the world’s worst waitress. He would always help me out even before I asked. We were just friends but soon everyone kept asking if we were dating. Like the entire staff up from managerial to down to janitorial. I guess they noticed something about us. But I vividly remember the day, the incident, that made it impossible for me to ignore. During one of our daytime shifts, I walked over speak to the hostesses at the front of the restaurant. I turned to walk to the kitchen and caught him looking at me while he was standing at the bar. I looked away immediately and said goodbye to the hostesses. I started to walk towards the back of the restaurant and he was still looking at me. In fact, he never looked away. He smiled which made me smile. I have never forgotten that look he gave me. Yes, I still remember that look from 2005 even today. No guy had ever looked at me like that. It was like a sudden rush of heat throughout my body that made me uncomfortable in the most alluring way. So sexy how he never looked away, like he was piecing together the greatest story in his head.
But he had a girlfriend. Not that it really matter. At the time, I was still a little shy/deathly afraid of guys. So we never talked about or acted on it. The following semester, his girlfriend transferred to UNCW from New Jersey. They had been dating since middle school. In fact, many referred to her as “wifey.” We both stopped working at the restaurant which closed down the following year in 2006. I would see him from time to time at parties. But after she transferred,our conversations always felt awkward. At one party, one of his friends told me that Mr.NJ-to-NC-to-CA had been talking about me and it seemed like he missed me. I laughed it off but he was totally serious. I missed him too. We started seeing each other less and less until I graduated in 2007. By that time, I had fallen in “love” (which was a “situation” onto itself) and we lost touch. I hadn’t thought much about him until he posted on my Facebook wall in 2009: “LORPU!!!!” He told me that he would be visiting friends in DC so we should meet up for an epic reunion. I can’t lie, I was REALLY excited because I always missed his friendship. I brought my best friend along after I told her about how we met in college. She kept asking why we never got together. I told her why and said that he was probably married to his “wifey” at this point. Alanis said it best…
We headed over to meet all the boys at Rhino. We walked upstairs and there he was! We hugged. No,we embraced. I said hey to all of the boys from college and some other guy friends I’d never met. One of those “new” guys took my hand and starting spinning me around which of course made Mr. NJ-to-NC-to-CA laugh. I kept yelling at him for help but he just watched and laughed. I missed his laugh. Then one of our mutual guy friends’ from college (let’s call him “Vince” because he looks like Adrian Grenier on Entourage. This guy friend gets a name because he will have an important role in this post later) joined our conversation. Mr. NJ-to-NC-to-CA asked if he remembered me from undergrad. “Vince” said of course and hugged me. But then something weird and kind of cute (that everyone in the conversation noticed) happened. Mr. NJ-to-NC-to-CA pulled me back from “Vince” and hugged me again. Like I belonged to him. What girl doesn’t like being fought over by two very handsome guys even in a playful, platonic manner? But seriously, what what whaaaatttt was that? I giggled and then we got drinks. A different mutual guy friend who also worked at the restaurant with us pulled Mr. NJ-to-NC-to-CA and I aside. We started talking reminiscing about shenanigans at the restaurant and then he asked me a question: If Mr. NJ-to-NC-to-CA and I were hanging off a cliff, who would you save? Hahahahaha! I didn’t know what to say. Or at least I didn’t want to say it out loud but I had an answer. Again, I laughed it off. The friend left the conversation so it was just the two of us again. Mr. NJ-to-NC-to CA asked me what I had been up to since undergrad. I gave him the highlights but definitely “forgot” to mention those two years I spent in an abusive relationship. Whooops! Anyways, I asked him the same question. He told me that he was in Northern California getting his PhD in Chemistry…….SEXY!!!!!!. I made some off handed joke about me thinking that he would be married by now which is when he told me he was SINGLE!! What?!?!? I asked what happened with “wifey” but said he didn’t really want to talk about it. At that moment, I wasn’t really sure how I felt about him being single because I had never been in that situation with him. Now we were both unattached (which he didn’t know at that point in the night because I hadn’t told him). A few minutes later, It was someone’s great idea to go to Gin&Tonic (I think it is called Mason Inn now) so you can imagine how loaded we had to be to go in there. We got in line but he stepped out to do what? SMOKE A CIGARETTE?!?!? He didn’t smoke cigarettes in undergrad! Before I knew it (and probably due to all of the alcoholic bebidas consumed at that point) I yelled the following statement at him (and for anyone within a half mile radius): If you smoke that cigarette, I am not going to have sex with you later! *Insert GASP from my best friend*
Right after I said it, the panic set in. I had this internal dialogue with myself: Holy marbles, Lorpu! What did you just say? Something must be in these drinks. How do you even know he wants to do that? Why did you just yell up the street? Now everyone in between the two of you is looking at you. The guys are telling him not to smoke that cigarette but wait…..is he smiling? Did he just drop that cigarette? What is going on?
Then we all went into the bar. More drinks. More dancing. Finally he asked me what was going on with me. Lorpu, are you still refusing pro surfers? (Kelly Slater reference-short story for another day) Me: Ha! No, I am not. Mr.NJ-to-NC-to-CA: What about guys in bands? Me: No, not doing those anymore either. Mr. NJ-to-NC-to-CA: Soooo? Me: So, I am single. Mr. NJ-to-NC-to-CA: So, should we get another drink? Me: Well that’s much better than smoking. He took my hand and led me through the crowd (I don’t know why but I find this so sexy). So a few drinks later, I asked again why they broke up. Then he told me. After undergrad, they decided to move to California together to chase graduate degrees. They both applied to places in Northern and Southern California. But he got into a school in the bay area and she in SoCal. They still tried to make it work. But during her first visit, they found their relationship just wasn’t the same anymore. That is when they decided, after almost a decade of dating, to end it amicably. He only had one rule: Don’t date my friends. Guess what? That is the rule she broke. Unfortunately for my mister, one of their other guy friends who they all grew up with in NJ also lived in San Diego. So his bro “committed the robbery” (Jersey Shore reference). I could tell that it really hurt him which was later relayed to me by one of the other guys. Apparently they all put her on their black list and stopped talking to her. So now I knew.
The bar was closing but we didn’t want the night to end. Until that point, we had done a lot of talking and only talking. But I had no idea when the next time I was going to see him would be. So we all decided to go back to his friends’ place in Georgetown. During the cab ride over, my friend decided to let Mr. NJ-to-NC-to CA know that it had been a long time since I “hooked up” with anyone and that I was probably “going gray” down there. She is really subtle, right? Did I forget to mention that periodically throughout the night, all the boys kept interrupting our conversations asking if we were going to make out, falling in love, when/where would our wedding take place, and if we were ready to have beautiful mixed babies? ALL NIGHT LONG. When we got back to the house, everyone went to sleep except for the three of us. I sat next to him on one couch while my friend lay down on the one across from us. She lulled herself to sleep chanting “Make Out! Make Out! Make Out!”. In the middle of one of my sentence, he pulled me to sitting position on top of him(Gosh, as if it weren’t hard enough to resist him in general. Now it felt like he was reading my mind and knew exactly what I wanted a guy to do in said situation). We continued talking until he said “Stop”. So I did. (Again, so sexy. I loved that he took charge on some Christian Grey type of-ish)
Then he said “Look at me”. He grabbed the hair at the nape of my neck with both of his hands. I was speechless. I couldn’t move. I may have stopped breathing for a few seconds too. Why? What I had been thinking, no fantasizing, about for years and never thought would happen was about to become a reality. Not just a kiss. It was more than that. It was a kiss from the only guy that I knew without any doubts genuinely wanted me for me. I knew no matter what , he would never treat me poorly. This was a very scary place because I had never been there with anyone. Now I was with the only guy up until then I thought it would ever be possible with.
Then he kissed me. I don’t say things like this but that was the best first kiss I’ve ever had with anyone. Perhaps because it was 5 years coming.
We still kept it PG-13 (remember that we were on a couch at a friend’s house with my best friend asleep in the same room—-I have standards people!).
God, how I love when a guy flips me over from being on top of him to beneath him without warning. It’s Just. So. Steamy. In between all of that stuff, we talked more. We talked about how much we really did like each other but couldn’t do anything about it years ago. He vocalized my thoughts that he liked me as I was especially that I didn’t hook up with a lot of guys. Then we talked about California. He told me about how most of the girls he encounters are in undergrad, therefore young and immature. I told him how a trip to Lake Tahoe was somewhere near the top of my bucket list. He made me promise that if he got us a cabin there, I would fly over (FYI: I am deathly afraid of flying), and we’d head there together. We talked about driving up and down the coast on the PCH. We talked about checking out all the sites on the way down to Coachella 2010.
Then we talked about how I was in school and how much longer that would take. We talked about him being in school and how much longer that would take. He told me he wanted our “first time” to be special (yes, it sounds cheesy but at the time it really sent me), not on his buddy’s couch or kitchen floor. It’s the little things, right? I kept saying we had to go and then he’d kiss me until I lost track of time again. He kept saying it was getting late so he should get some sleep. So I would kiss him so he wouldn’t let me go. They had no choice but to drive back in the morning because of the ridiculous snow storm that was coming (remember SNOWMAGGEDON 2009? Yes, it either permanently ruined my love life or was a blessing in disguise because we never did get to “go all the way”).
This back and forth went on for about 3 more hours until my friend woke up, stormed out of the house, and demanded to leave. How selfish! How rude (Stephanie Tanner voice)! Ha! Right before we said our final goodbyes, he asked me something I would never forget: “This is never going to happen, is it?”
I was speechless. We were sad, frustrated, and angry. I made a joke about him ruining my life by living in California and he said that if he were here, we would definitely give us a try. Leaving him was one of the hardest things I did up until then for 2 reasons: 1) He was the only guy that looked at me and really saw me. To him, I was special and enough at the same time just as I was. He also was very vocal about his feelings for me which was especially refreshing (instead of the normal sub verse power struggle games guys normally attempted with me). He was the only person that I could say with 100% certainty would NEVER hurt me because he knew what it felt like (I honestly have a theory that guys that have been really hurt in the past are a lot less likely to treat girls like crap. But who really knows, right?)
Mr. NJ-to-NC-CA was “my person”; and 2) I would probably never see him again.The next day, he was gone.
A few days later, he sent me a text asking how I was dealing with all the snow. When I told him we’d lost power and was home alone in the dark terrified, he stayed up with me until I fell asleep. A couple of weeks later he sent me a “Happy Birthday” text. That night I got extra drunk thinking about who he might possibly be kissing at midnight. Happy f*cking birthday to mee…NOT! His birthday was in early March. I attempted to mail him a card. I am still not sure if he ever got it but by then I was in a full on imaginary relationship with him. This “fake” relationship with someone across the country that I never saw or spoke to was more fulfilling, safe, and joyous than any “real” relationship that I could possibly have in DC. You have to remember that this was not so long after I left my abusive relationship and way before I really told anyone what happened. But then something happened in March.
Remember “Vince”? Well in March, another one of the guy friends from college came to visit DC and we all went out together again. Mr. NJ-to-NC-to CA was back in California but that didn’t stop the boys from continued planning of our lives together: “When are you guys going to get married?”; “Will you get married in Wilmington?”; “Do you want a boy or girl first?”; “Those mixed babies are going to be gorgeous.” Again, ALL NIGHT LONG. At one point, they even called him and put him on speaker. I found out later that the next day he was VERY upset with them once upon finding out that I was there the entire time. I wasn’t my idea.
I have to admit that back in undergrad “Vince” never spoke much. But tonight he was very talkative when he wasn’t joining in the teasing. He told me that he broke up with his girlfriend and was ready to date again. I, of course, decided to help him out immediately. I found a pretty brunette at the bar and with my help, they started talking and exchanged numbers. MATCHMAKING SUCCESS! Afterwards, just like last time, we went back to the boys place in Georgetown. My best friend was off with one of the guys so, this time, I slept on the couch and waited for her. “Vince” lay down on the other and we talked until everyone headed to bed. Remember when I told you that the ENTIRE NIGHT all of the boys were teasing me about Mr. NJ-to-NC- CA. (Obviously he told them what happened in December which I think is adorable in his case)? Without warning and to my extreme shock in the pitch dark, all 6’5” of “Vince” was on top of me. So I asked him what he thought he was doing. His response: “ (Mr. NJ-to-NC-to-CA) isn’t here. He is in California. Do you really think he is thinking about you?” My response to him was that he was missing the point. “Vince” knew how much what his ex did to him hurt. Why would he want to do that to him again? Get off. “Vince”: He doesn’t care about you. You will never see him again. Let’s have sex. Me: You don’t know the conversation that we had with each other so you can’t really speak about how much he does or doesn’t care about me. He must care somewhat because I was in this same position with him and he said he didn’t want to do it like this. Not on someone’s couch or rushed because it meant something to him. You don’t even want to take me out on a date. Just an hour ago, I was setting you up with some girl at the bar. Where is this coming from? Please stop or go home. Vince: I know what you want and I am here. Let me give it to you. You won’t ever see him again and he doesn’t care about you. Me: Please just leave.
Finally, he got up and left. I stared at the ceiling for the rest of the night hoping my friend would somehow emerge and want to leave right then. Unfortunately, I had to wait until morning. She saw my face and asked what happened. I told her and her jaw hit the floor. She asked me why he would want to do that to his “bro” when he knew his history concerning exes and his friends. She asked what I was going to do. I had no idea because I was still in shock. A week later, one of my girlfriends that also knows “Vince” told me that she saw him walking on the street with guess who? HIS GIRLFRIEND! Yeah, the one he said he broke up with!! How disgusting! Who knew under that quiet, shy, collected demeanor laid all that deception? That might explain why when “Vince” hugged me in December Mr. NJ-to-NC-to-CA grabbed me back from him. I sat with what happened for a couple of weeks until I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I knew the boys were planning a trip to CA to visit him so I had to tell him what happened in March before that. I did it specifically if “Vince” decided he wanted to share his version of that night. So I sent Mr. NJ-to-NC-to-CA a message telling him what happened in March. First, he said that it was awesome and decent of me to tell him at all. Then he said that he thought it was a very low class thing for “Vince” to do especially whilst in a relationship. He tried to apologize for him which I told him was completely unwarranted and unnecessary. He reiterated that if he were in DC that we would give “us” a try. I told him he was a rare breed and that anyone would be lucky to have him. That was our last conversation. I held on to it for a very long time, not even attempting to date anyone on the same coast as me. Sometimes I wish we never had that conversation. That fantasy ended 8 months later when he changed his “About Me” to being in a relationship. He started dating some girl who works in the same laboratory with him, not even 21 yet at the time. They’ve gone on the trips we have planned. They’ve hit all the milestones we were teased about by friends. They’ve made all the memories I wanted to make with someone, with him. Even though we hadn’t spoken in months, it felt like a breakup. I don’t know his girlfriend. At the time, it felt unfair because I didn’t think she could love him as much as I could even if she wanted to. Therefore, I don’t think she can give him all he needs like I can. It felt like the end of our story forever. Why? He is not a person that dates casually. He is a lifer which means they will probably get married.
I found out a little while ago that he stood up for me. He didn’t let “Vince” visit him for an entire year and when he did, told him that he knew what happened. It honestly made my heart skip a beat and those feelings of me missing him welled up inside of me.
My girlfriends and I were talking about this subject matter recently. Each one of us had a story. Honestly, almost everyone has experienced that person who inevitably was the "one that got away”. So does one find or forget the “one who got away”? Is it’s better to keep that memory alive in your heart instead of opening yourself up to possible regret? It’s natural to wonder what happened to that long-lost love of your past, right? OK, we all know how things turned out with the love that stayed in our life. But their is always one that often haunts us. Mine was Mr. NJ-to-NC-to-CA.
I remember his shade of blue eyes. I remember how I’d catch him looking at me when we were in separate conversations across a room. It always made me smile. I remember holding our hands up against each others with him commenting on how “giant” his were compared to mine but my fingers were “long and elegant”. I remember when he entered a room and immediately feeling butterflies. I remember spending hours in December 2009 talking about the dreams we both had for the future. I remember his kisses from my forehead, to my neck, to my lips (It’s so sexy when I guy you like pins you up against a wall (or door) to kiss you. It’s like they have a craving for you that need to satisfied immediately).
A couple of years ago, I thought about just hopping on a plane to California. Nothing was really keeping me here in DC. I was having those same thoughts after what happened tonight. On nights like these, the “What If” kept me up starting at cracks in the ceiling. What if I just got on a plane and went to California? Would I have skipped all of the heartbreaks n my past? Would I be able to leave? Would I have to leave? Would I want to leave? If I did, would it hurt more after creating all of these memories with him? “What if we were to meet up now — just as we are?” What if he moved here? Who are we now? Is it worth the risk? At this point, with all the things I’ve dealt with since I started dating (and surprisingly continue to encounter) it isn’t hard to think that it would be worth the risk. But if my moment for real love was with him and it has passed, I want to know because that I can live with. I won’t keep showing up to “situations” with even now with the smallest of hopes every 3, 6, 9 months or a year. Yeah, it would be awesome if our reunion turned out like The Notebook:
But let’s keep it real. If I did right now, it would most definitely create a situation closer to My Best Friend’s Wedding. That would make me an ass just like Mr.Limitless and the girl from Saturday night…
If you have never seen the movie or don’t remember what it’s about, here is the plot: When she dumped Michael as a boyfriend in college, Julianne made him her new best friend. And they made a pact: If they were still single at 28, they’d marry each other. Now they’re almost 28. And Michael is in Chicago. And wants Julianne to call him. She’s touched. She has always really loved the guy. But he’s not calling to propose. He’s calling to explain he’s engaged to be married in three days—to a junior at the University of Chicago, whose father owns the White Sox and a cable TV empire. This is not good news for Julianne. P.J. Hogan’s “My Best Friend’s Wedding” tells the story of how she tries to sabotage the wedding and win the man she should have married all along.
"Well does this any of this make sense to you? It doesn’t have to. It’s something that happens. It’s like seeing someone for the first time—like you could be passing on the street, and you look at each other and for a few seconds there’s this kind of recognition—like you both know something. The next moment, the person’s gone, and it’s too late to do anything about it. And you always remember it because it was there, and you let it go, and you think to yourself, What if I had gone to California? What If I had said something? What if? And it may only happen a few times in your life. Or once."- Quote from movie, "Out of Sight"
Story of my life especially after being a victim of violence. Love, especially unrequited is terrifying. Now watch it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIoq_0T0PZE
During my efforts to sabotage their wedding, I would meet his girlfriend and try to explain why they don’t work. For instance, Creme Brulee is a high end dessert but he is more of a Jell-O guy…
Here comes my overdue moment…
When I finally tell him how I feel, it will probably go just as bad as when Julianne decided to tells him after 9 years. Just see for yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ExnVKy8hao
The thing is that My Best Friend’s Wedding didn’t have a happy ending either….
Mr. NJ-to-NC-to-CA and I were in different places in our lives back then. Today, we are still in different places. Yet there are some times (usually after a disastrous night out with a guy) when I look back remembering that moment that could have been.
I don’t have those feelings for him anymore. Why? Because after Saturday, I am not sure I could feel that for anyone. I am not sure it exists out there for me.
But there were several benefits from having these fantasies. They allowed me to put off confronting my fears. But negatively did the same to my recover, transitioning from a victim to a survivor. They overpowered my self-doubt and insecurities because it proved that I could find the right person for me. For months, I created visual imagery that sustained me. During these fantasies as a couple, we had solutions to every problem which always lead to my desired outcome. Over the past few days before posting this entry, I’ve realized that those fantasies made it harder discover tangible love. Chasing the unavailable isn’t worth wasting my years on make-believe that only provides a temporary fix. I’ve considered, contemplated, dissected, and replayed the night I spent with Mr. NJ-to-NC-CA a million times. Sometimes it’s best to leave the past in the right where it is as not to hinder you from experiencing your desires in the future. Besides, Mr. NJ-to-NC-to-CA looks happy in his life now (Part of me thinks he dates her because she is younger, therefore “safe”, probably idolizes him, and will never lie,leave, or cheat on him). I want him to be happy in general even though I think I could make him the happiest. Also I can’t compare him to other guys. I cant have my past overshadow my future. Doesn’t really matter now because I’m exhausted with dating. I’ve reached an impasse. Now I choose to sit and smile over a glass of wine whenever I remembering him. Maybe someone will come along that is better than him, better than the one that got away. Whoever he is, I hope he will be “the one that stays”.
Until next time,